Keep your babycakes cozy in the beer sweater – perfect for any back to school ensemble. It even comes in the ever-popular 40 oz size ($18) and is available here. They come from recycling sweaters, so they’re green too!

Because if you haven’t heard, it’s totally cool to rock the environerd look on your beer. It’s also cool to pretend like you’re still in college even if you’re pushing 30. Which I am doing. And I am cool.

Dooney & Bourke’s not-so-better half, Bourke, has been found guilty “of conspiring to pay bribes to government leaders in Azerbaijan in a 1998 oil deal.” Basically, Bourke has been living this crazy espionage-y, conspiracy-laden life with suitcases stuffed with money, shakedowns in government offices, and hiring mobsters for protection! Bourke not only schleps fancy party girl handbags, HE GETS DOWN LIKE AN EVIL DUDE IN A JAMES BOND MOVIE!

Of course no fashionista gives a crap about this illegal activity (although WWD ran a bit on it yesterday), especially since Bourke is set to remain chairman. I wonder – when he was gallavanting around, trying to rig an oil deal (rig a rig?), was he using the Hayden bag? In lipstick red?

The “blonde with class” (from Vogue by way of The Telegraph) should be renamed the “blonde with sass” – one of my favorite models of the 90s, Karen Mulder has gone bananas! Again!

As any avid supermodel-watcher will tell you, Karen Mulder was bright, blonde, and buxom – and then she was drugged, depressed, and down & out. Now reports are stating that Mulder has been threatening her plastic surgeon to the point of arrest – the overwhelming released quote is as follows:

A police source says, “She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared. The suspect is being interviewed.”

But she is soooo good lookin’. Looks like it may be time to head back to the psychiatrisch ziekenhuis.

Available now at Lighterside.com, this $16.98 candle will have your room stinking like a beerhall faster than you can say, “Prost!” It looks like a beer, it smells like a beer… is there any alcohol in here? Well, no. So it loses a few points there.

But it gains points in its housewarming gift perfection . I suggest passing these out to all your friends, especially the ones that have really pristine, floral apartments with full kitchen sets and working ovens. In fact, I’m sure your mother and even your grandmother would get a kick of the fragrant brew aroma, wafting through the house. I can’t wait until “sweaty socks” arrives!

In case you were curious about what Ms. Karan has been up to, I’m here to tell you. According to WWD, Donna Karan was awarded an honorary nursing diploma from the Phillips Beth Israel School of Nursing in New York. I’m assuming because of her various ties and ongoing devotion to cancer charities (Urban Zen Foundation is one), as well as her own personal tragedy with the death of her husband from lung cancer. That being said, I respect the gesture. It’s just a gesture, right?

But what if it wasn’t? I mean, there’s a nursing shortage in the US. So, you know what? Let’s just start awarding total randoms nursing diplomas, and they can start practicing. And you know who we should choose? Donna Karan! Maybe she’ll redesign the uniforms! Weeeee!

I mean – come on – while seeing her clean up a bedpan would be priceless, I wouldn’t trust her with a Cabbage Patch Kid much less an aging parent. Am I the only one that finds this absolute BS?

As I pushed my way onto a crowded L train in Brooklyn the other day, it occurred to me that every broad in the car was wearing a cardigan, myself included. Tiny, 50s-style cardigans, peppering the crowd (mornings usually have a cleancut, work-bound set of transporters whereas midnight has a dirty, pukey, partybound crew) – even the pink vote had on the Mr. Rogers’ variation. And immediately… Michelle Obama sprung to mind.

Ms. Obama has been rocking the shit out of the cardigan for a while now, much to stuffy Chanel-tweed-suit-bitches’ chagrin. I am an avid fan of the cardigan, especially since:

(from MTV’s Nirvana Unplugged – what can I say, I am one of those. You know. Sorry ’bout that).

So – are women wearing the fitted cardigan because Ms. Obama is? Or is Ms. Obama wearing it because the cardigan is in style? Did she add momentum to the already burgeoning trend, or did she start the trend? Why am I pondering this when I should be working? You tell me.

So, word on the street is that the Slowtimers like fashion and beauty too, so I’m joining the ranks under the lovely name Meatball (my first word, btw) to bring forth the civilized society. The fashionistas. The it and the who and the what’s what. Or, rather, I just like to find tricked out shit and talk about it. Sometimes I’ll just write about burgers, but today, I’m talkin’ nails, girls.

So, on Katy Perry’s tumblr, she shows off her sushi-encrusted claws. I gotta say, I’m a major fan of this. I mean, strangely, I’m a major fan of Katy Perry (c’mon, her blog is Kitty Purry, that is adorable), and this is the deal-sealer. The whole getup can be viewed here.

I’m sure this makes some of you frown. But I know Myles is all ’bout it. Holla.