We went deep on this journey, and let me tell you, we have many reports from this adventure. The meteoric rise and fall of brand new Slowtimer author, Babette, meeting DJ N e Tempo, M.I.A drunk as a skunk blowing the show, the people falling off the ferry, the thunderstorms, running through Governor’s Island barracks being chased by security… it’s all here. EXCLUSIVE!!!

In the meantime check out N e Tempo’s Soundcloud mix and give up some love for LOST-IN-SOUND

Summer Sessions 2010 by N e Tempo

Well, I was at the library today and as I stood there near the entrance trying to get my life together I caught a glimpse of something that I almost couldn’t believe. Out of the corner of my eye, there she was. The goat. As she hurriedly entered and the sliding doors automatically closed behind her I was filled with excitement and wanted to scream out “the goat!”, but since we were at the library my brain wouldn’t let the words free. I couldn’t even say them under my breath hoping she would hear me as she breezed past. I mean, what if it wasn’t her? Could you imagine if a woman was walking past someone and they called her “the goat”, and it really wasn’t “the goat”, just some poor lady who would forever wonder what flaw, what imperfection, would prompt such a comment from a total stranger? I wasn’t about to risk damaging someone’s image of themselves just to find out, but I couldn’t let it go. What if it was “the goat”? I would want to say WHUUUDDUUP!!? You know? How often do you come across a fellow Slowtimer author in real life, let alone at the library? I  had to find out for real. So, I mustered up the courage to approach her and instead of asking if she was “the goat” I decided I would open with, “Do you write for a blog called Slowtimer?”

Turns out it was “the goat”, and she was there for a similar reason as me. To improve our lives using one of the most amazing things this great nation of ours ever came up with: the public library system. Word up. I am even going to take out a really interesting book I found staring at me from one of the shelves; “This Is Your Country On Drugs: The Secret History Of Getting High In America.” Purely for research purposes, of course.

So, as a tribute I give to you all this little badge of honor. I think it embodies where we’re coming from, literally. It speaks to something in all of us, but we’re just not sure what.

The Evil Clown on 35

Slowtimer Reports!

Andrew Top-Hat Getting Punched in the Face

Other times you might think you are able to predict the outcome of an event based upon the amalgam of situational ingredients.  There is a line that exists when filming in public, and unfortunately you don’t know where that line is until you’ve crossed it.  It is different for every situation due to the variables involved.  Do the people being filmed want to be on camera?  Did they have a bad day?  Are they doing something illegal and can’t afford to have their illicit conduct immortalized on film?  There are only two options when the wandering eye of the lens fixes on you.  One:  Ham it up for the camera!  (ie. Waaaazzzzzzup????!!)  Two:  Fight or Flight and end the show.

I wish you all could have been with us last weekend, as Slowtimer authors Andrew Top-Hat, Joey Dew, and myself, Jimmy4Real, headed out for a night of fun and adventure on the mean streets of Philadelphia, PA.  The night started off fabulous.  Joey Dew treated us to some serious slow cookin’ with some down home tasty gumbo.  I was impressed to say the least.  With nothing more that a solitary shark poster on the wall of his new apartment, an old camping pot, and some plastic cutlery, Mr. Dew was able to pull off some top notch cuisine.  No lie.

We headed out to the World Cafe, Philly, to see Gene Ween perform solo.  He sat perched on a bar stool in his socks, vulnerable, with nothing more than an acoustic guitar to entertain us.  And entertain us he did.  For nearly two hours he performed for the attentive crowd, tossing in rare gems like “Eye to the Sky”, and “So Long Jerry”.  It was amazing.  If you ever head down to the World Cafe and see Slowtimer stickers everywhere, you’ll know it was from that very night.

In a simple twist of fate, one of the stickers wound up affixed to the bumper of a girl who we quickly found out was a true Slowtimer in her own right.  Missy Moist.  With a name like that there has to be a story, right?  Initially, my dirty mind jumped right to, “Oh, porn star…”, but I was foolishly overlooking the reference.  Turns out she knows the Ween boys and had been crowned with the title by none other than Mickey Moist himself.  If you’ve never heard of the Moist Boyz, you definitely need to check them out.  Missy Moist was kind enough to give us a lift down some back alleys, entertaining us all the way.  The highlight for me was when she reached out singing the lyrics to “I Can’t Put My Finger On It”, and we realized she was missing a digit!  She’s the real deal, and I encourage you to check out her channel on YouTube.  I especially enjoyed the original number titled, “Scent From  Below”, by Missy Moist.

The night was getting better and better, and I couldn’t have anticipated what was about to happen after Missy dropped us off at RED SKY BAR, a local hip and trendy nightclub on Market Street in Philadelphia.  I know some clubs are kind of exclusive, and have an air of elitism, but I always attributed that to clever marketing.  Little did I know that @ RED SKY PHILLY they take their exclusiveness very seriously.  Some locals told us that it was like, “a cult where there are no rules and anything goes”.  Apparently they were right, because they served  Top-Hat a “Grade A” beatdown, sending him straight to the pavement with no warning.  The guy that attacked him was a bouncer with over a dozen facial piercings, a bald head, and missing neck.  He was a soldier of fortune, risking his job, reputation, and freedom to protect the sanctity of Red Sky Lounge’s cult.  He didn’t want anyone disrespecting the place by filming or mocking the fact that we weren’t allowed into a stupid bar because Top-Hat had emerald green shoes.

I will break you.

There we were, standing outside Red Sky Bar, disgusted that this guy let in the girls we were with and then stopped us in our tracks.  It was then I decided to do a “Slowtimer Report” to document us getting discriminated against because of our shoes.  The bouncer, decided to put an end to our actions by using brute force.  He was obviously following orders from upper management because as soon as Top-Hat hit the ground, over half a dozen guys in dark suits appeared out of nowhere screaming, “Stay on the ground motherfucker!!”  Somehow the pinhead bouncer disarmed Top-Hat of his phone which he was using to stream the whole event in real-time.  Why didn’t we call the cops?  Don’t ask me, everyone I have talked to has called me a moron for not calling the cops.  I know we could have collected a hefty sum of loot from this unprovoked attack and could then live the Slowtimer lifestyle we always dreamed of.  Oh, well.  Since he took the blow to the face I figured it was his call.  I just hate being poor.  Not to mention, the footage when the police arrive is always priceless.

Slowtimer Reports.  For Always and For Real.  Even if we get punched in the face….

Moving pretty slow on the posts this year… I envisioned myself coming out of the gates posting like a madman, all sorts of posts. Here we are on nine, ten and I am postless.

Even though I wish I was as productive as the ideas that are constantly flashing through my mind, I’ll never give up. I’m a Slowtimer, for always and for real…

Snoop Dog and the Big Eighties Hair Singers, like totally 80s. Jersey Hair.

Yo Yo Yo SLOWTIMER RAPS!

top-Hat is one creative mutha effer, and I just have to give him mad props for all his work thus far.  It’s been hard fun.  The fact that he created an album and put it all together professional-like still blows my mind.  If you haven’t yet, check it out… it’s called Boostrpak.  Chweetbox, homey.

Well, here it is… the innaugural edition of the much anticipated 15 minute freestyle podcast.  When top-Hat came to me with the idea of the 15 minute freestyle podcast, I nearly shit myself.  Just kidding, I said that for emphasis, but I was psyched for real.  The idea was he would just spin a bunch of different music of his choice and just let it roll for 15 straight.  I had free range to do whatever I wanted and could just unleash my verbal diarrhea with no recourse.  We’ve been doing shit like this for years and it’s just something that we have genuine fun doing.  For some cosmic reason we have this ability to bounce ideas off each other in real-time and sometimes we create some funny crazy shit we never thought existed.  Obviously though, it’s not all gold records.  So we took a crack at it to see what would happen, and let the tape roll.  You could be the judge if you have the patience to sit through it.

One of the gems that came out of this weeks episode was the diatribe on big 80′s hair.  It made me wonder, “Is the magic still alive?”  The answer is, of course, on Facebook.  I must also give props to the founder.  God damn, god damn…  and stay tuned for the scoop on the flew the coop troupe.

*UPDATE*  WE’RE STILL FIGURING OUT HOW TO UPLOAD A HUGE AS FILE, BUT THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE THE VISUALS, SO I POSTED IT ANYWAY

*UPDATE*

15-minuteFreestyle 12-27-2009  by  slowtimer
alt. link

15-minuteFreestyle_12-27-2009 (right click… save as…)

I know that everyone’s waiting on the continuation of  “Slowtimer Reports: Burlington, Vermont”, the five-star rated original installment in the Slowtimer Reports category.  It pains my heart every time I think about it, because I know if I was you, I’d be pissed.  I have decided to make it a priority to get it out so I could put it to rest, so to speak.  For those of you who haven’t seen it, the story takes place as I document the Church Street Marketplace in downtown Burlington, Vermont.  I capture the Burlington Vermont culture as day turns into night and people do all the things they would never want on camera.  The story takes a strange twist when a random girl is separated from her friends causing the night to devolve into a drunken mess of mystery and mayhem.

My biggest lesson in life recently has been the realization that without content a man is nothing.  The “good news” is that producing quality content gets easier the more you use your posting muscles.  So, I need to post more.  I need to produce more.  Draw more.  Film more.  Write more.  Freestyle more.  And most importantly Edit more.

My goal now is to get the rest of this shocking footage from “Slowtimer Reports: Burlington, Vermont” edited so I can get it to you, the Slowtimers.  I know you know how I feel about this…  how it eats away at me inside.  Top-Hat has created an amazing loophole in the Universe for people like me.  This is a place where it’s okay to hand in your term paper after the semester is over and to show up at the gig after the last band has finished their set.  In this world it’s never too late.  That gives me hope.  There is no excuse to quit or give up.  Don’t you wish real life was like that?

The video I am posting is an attempt to squeeze my post muscle.  I hope it shows that you can find hidden nuggets of Slowtimer gold within one of the most basic functions on the planet.

As for the conclusion to “Slowtimer Reports: Burlington, Vermont”… I’ll be getting it out real soon.  Oh, and I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I figured that you should know.  We are having a live streaming event on Friday for the Halloween Weekend kickoff right here on Slowtimer.com. Yep, we’re taking it to a whole new level by broadcasting episodes live on the site.  The event will be a LIVE haunted house extravaganza, where we will enter an abandoned dwelling in search of the supernatural.  The building is a local legend and proportedly a true “haunted house”.  We will also be revealing live on air the hush-hush location of top-Hat’s top secret “Hats Off 4 Halloween Party”, where he’ll be spinning the wheels of steel. Top-Hat will be providing further details as the ghostly hour draws near, so stay tuned.

YouTube will make history tomorrow night because they are hosting the first ever global live stream concert event. 4%

GO HERE TO WATCH THE LIVE STREAM OF YOUTUBE’S U2 CONCERT

In other breaking news…   You can now LIVE STREAM ON FACEBOOK 2%.   Gotta go… look for topHat.. Goo Goo that ish.

So now, here, I want to impart some more recent news that will effect recording artists of all shapes and sizes… Google is launching a music service! Yeah, Slowtimers, you heard it here. Google is getting into the music biz, and let me tell you, when grandma types in “Ween” into that wonderful search box, Google will tell granny L.M.L.Y.P. and where/how she’s going to buy the music. Supposedly all the major record companies are on board. How will it work? Well, you may have seen Google’s results pages that show specific information at the top or bottom of the results, like if you type in a street address it will give you a maps result at the top of the search page. Or if you type in a musician or band or something, there is a result with a little thumbnail picture. There is a really good explanation of what I am talking about online here. The first example from that link right there in that sentence that just happened was “Moby”, right, so I decided to type in “Moby” into Google and see what happened. Well, I got a OneBox result, but it was from a “news” result. Interesting news about Moby. And it is fresh. I mean, like, it was posted around ten hours ago. And I learned some things about Moby I would have never known, straight from the horses mouth:

“It’s probably an over-appreciated art,” says the scholarly, soft-spoken American musician born Richard Melville Hall. “With the tour we’re doing right now there’s eight (musicians) onstage and it’s a big production. Every now and then I’ll DJ and I really enjoy it. It’s fun. But it’s not terribly difficult.”And, I have to admit, when I’m DJing . . . and the audience is cheering for me, I feel like a complete fraud. In those moments I’m taking credit for someone else’s records. The only skill I’ve brought is the ability to buy the record and play it.”

Moby Interview, source: Ottawa Citizen

Let’s face it. Google is going to own everything. Just like they owned search. Then video. Then books. Our minds. Our souls. And they have won our hearts with their colorful and simple user interface. And once they own music, there will be no more new bands or cool artists to discover. You won’t be able to make a tape for a friend and tip them off to some of the newest sounds to hit your cassette deck. Well, I guess that is not technically Google’s fault, but my point is that if you typed “Beyonce’s Single Ladies” into Google you would not get the stunning performance I witnessed when I watched the Jazz Guys exhibit their reworked arrangement of this musical masterpiece. Check it out below. I saved you some popcorn.