The Twilight Report
Twilight is a phenomenon, but I didn’t understand the extent of the hype until I was invited to watch it. Sure, I had seen interviews and read articles, but these metrics do not necessarily translate into Albuquerque box office sales. Trends grow slowly in this city, if at all. Queensryche now sells out Albuquerque’s largest venues in 10 minutes. True story. I was therefore surprised that we had to sit front and center for a chick flick. I was surprised by the fan tees, and by the number of people reciting dialogue. I laughed audibly when the girls behind me chanted “Take your shirt off!” during a scene in which he fails to kiss the girl. I don’t get it. In an effort to understand, I compiled two lists.
Analysis of the Cullen Vampires by Proclivities
(In Order of Appearance)
| Likes | Dislikes |
|---|---|
| High School | Tweezers |
| Bedhead | Native Americans |
| H3Ts | Wolves |
| Glitter | Rapists |
| Vegetarians | Cooking |
| Debussy | Sleep |
| Baseball | Other Vampires |
| Prom | Sex (?) |
Later that night, a drunk girl told me that the movie was a metaphor for Mormonism. Thinking this could explain why my LDS friends are suddenly reading books about bloodsuckers, I headed to the Bloggernacle for confirmation. As it turns out, Drunkgirl was on to something. The author is Mormon, but the church has not specifically endorsed the books. I discovered that reading Twilight is a personal choice, much like drinking soda. In final analysis, however, either activity may implicate moral depravity. I had no idea. This post at normalmormons.com is typical of the moderate position as suggested by the url.
p.s. I just learned that a Mormon is not a Morman. Also, I now own backslidernextdoor.com.
Filed under: slowblogger by Eliza Doolittle
4 Comments »
I’m sitting here with a terrible migraine and your post has been the highlight of this s*** day. Thanks. And by the way, these Twilight fans are some of the creepier fangirls I’ve ever seen. Oh, and why do the vampires hate our Native peoples?
after reading this I had to look into the bedhead aspect of the Cullen vampire. I found 1) that robert pattinson has a .org (http://robertpattinson.org/) devoted to him and 2) bedhead seems an understatement. What is he hiding in there?
are you going to read the series?
One word: casinos. Nice copy, ED. I love how “…not complicated to read” is one of the Mormon cousin’s endorsements. I hope the Twilight Report is a recurring serial, not just a one-off. It’s scare-larious! May I refer you to Michael Ian Black’s essay, “Vampires-Good For the Economy?”
The Wall Street Journal Review for this movie started, “Attention, all 13-year-old female readers of this newspaper: Run, do not walk, to the nearest multiplex playing “Twilight,” the screen version of Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling potboiler about a principled vampire and the teenage girl who loves him. Others needn’t run. Or walk.” (WSJ 11/21) I found myself laughing uncontrollably at work with a mental image of a tween girl rifling through the Journal (past “ahead of the tape” and “what’s news”) just to read what Joe Morgenstern had to say about this movie.