“I was there.”
Remember when Faith Hill freaked out after Carrie Underwood’s name was called at the CMA’s? This is better. TMZ has a video of her reaction after an over zealous fan grabbed her husband at a recent concert. “Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend,” she scolded. “You don’t go grabbin’ somebody else’s — somebody’s husband’s balls, you understand me? That’s very disrespectful.”
In the spirit of sleepy and Joe’s posts, I want to frame this little bit around movies, lyrical prose, and feelings of comfort. Like a night walkabout where by sheer accident one finds a faster route to the tennis courts, I want to try to let these suggestions speak for themselves rather than try to impress you with maps to the gold, dear reader.
I haven’t seen this movie, but I want to review it as the quintessential “wtf are we doing in our late twenties?” sort of movie, but it’s British so it’s totally different because they don’t talk like you and me.
Y’all put that possum in the tanning shed ’til it can commit to a relationship and accept that I.T. position in Rancho Mirage! See? Told you.
In the trailer one of the girls says something along the lines of imagining one’s mouth is a cathedral, and to really project, and to imagine filling that cathedral with sound. I dunno about all of that, but if reader dear reader you haven’t read Raymond Carver’s “Cathedral” then by all means run don’t walk to the making of that happening.
I really fell in love with that song e.d.l. posted, that dreamy serge gainsbourg soundin’ joint. By sheer accident I found Episode 33, in which our hero drunkenly foists himself upon Whitney Houston, then half-heartedly apologizes while saying dirty words in French to the host. Next topic!
“She had a sour look on her face”
Lindsay Lohan spawns with a disco ball in her new movie “I Know Who Killed Me” and swims upstream to write short fiction as “Dakota Moss,” an alternate Lohan who is an amputee deflowering high school boys. Yeah. The bad Lohan proves to the good Lohan’s estranged boyfriend that the good Lohan could never ever bone him in the fashion of the bad Lohan, at which point he joins her search to find stigmatic twin who’s being tortured by a guy who has a bunch of mail-order Klingon knives. Cinematographer becomes bored, decides to rip off the following elements of the Twin Peaks movie, “Fire Walk with Me”: dopplegangers, blue roses, owls, limbs suddenly going dead, all-American girls gone wild, scary duplicitous daddies, then etc. to the maxx. And I’m sure it was more deeply ingrained than that but the margaritas smoothed over most of the cracks, dear reader. The high point was this forgotten gem from Out Hud played in THX or something awesome and reverbed-out sounding, like the sound of Clint Eastwood’s boots on a kid’s spine. It was like being the love interest Veronica while her dad shows off the new hi-fi to Archie. An immense sense of pride he has, that pretty money daddy:06-how-long.mp3
Just One of the Guys (1985)?
I have a friend, for modesty’s sake let’s call him Mr. X, who believes that every R rated movie should have in it at least one good full on titty shot.? I have another friend, let’s call him Mr. Y, who believes there are not enough movies which contain at least one? woman who dresses like a man, (Mr. Y has threatened many times to ex-patriate to Europe to make his own movies).? This morning I texted X and Y and told them to come together to celebrate their fetishes and watch a movie they’ll both love; Just One of the Guys.?
? The movie, set in Arizona,? centers around high-schooler Terry Griffith, played by Joyce Hyser, who in her effort to win a journalism contest in order to obtain a summer internship at the Sun-Tribune, (which I can only assume is a co-op internship arranged by the Yuma Daily Sun and the East Valley Tribune),? is blocked by the man becuase, it is her belief, she is a she.? So? she becomes a he? in order to uncover? the glass celiing that? is holding her down and then write about it all? to win the contest.? She enrolls in? a neighboring high school and steps on the scene looking like a puffy Ralph Macchio.? Immediately she is mistaken for Daniel LaRusso by the villainous jock William Zabka and he takes what he thinks is revenge for losing first place at the All Valley Karate Tournament to Daniel the year before by hurling Terry into a thorny bush.? And that’s where she meets Rick Morehouse, a shy high school drifter with a mature attitude, an attitude which Terry can’t find in her college age boyfriend.? The two become best buds.? ?
Later Terry realizes she is falling for Rick and saves herself for him by? staving? off the advances of a young? and? slutty Sherilyn Fenn (Fenn is so? reved that she ends up sleeping with a cast member of Tremors that isn’t Kevin Bacon).? ? Meanwhile there is a contest to win, a boyfriend to avoid, a sock to stuff down her pants, a brother? with itchy balls, and an ending to be had.? ? The prom, everything always? comes to a head at the prom.? ? ?
? Mr. X will want to pay attention now, because in order to prove her love and gender to Rick? at the same time, Terry flashes him, (and us).? Rick is impressed but stunned and runs away.? At some point everybody fights Zabka and Terry’s true gender is revealed to all.? Luckily Terry was a boy just long enough to get her story and a proper one to as she wins the contest and gets her summer internship and presumably a job a the East Valley Tribune where she would go on to transform the paper into a trans-gender friendly publication as can be seen by a recent article.? Luckily with the image of Terry’s bosom burned in his mind Rick comes back to Terry and they whisk away to enjoy the rest of their Arizonian lives together.? So is Just One of the Guys? worth a watch even if you aren’t X and Y?? ? Well, if you have already seen She’s the Man, then yes, and if you haven’t then I don’t know what the hell your doing.? And if you want even more transgender high school hijinks and you love Corey Haim check out Just One of the Girls.? So to slap a grade on this one I give it one titty shot and two itchy balls.?
The eight legged venomous arachnid invertebrate/ Best German Rock Band ever: The Scorpions . Yes, yes, yes, indeed rock me: (Dear readers, Please read out loud this majesty)
My body is burning. It starts to shout. Desire is coming, it breaks out loud.
Lust is in cages. Till storm breaks loose. Just have to make it, with someone I choose.
The night is calling. I have to go. The wolf is hungry, he runs the show.
He’s licking his lips. He’s ready to win. On the hunt tonight, for love at first sting.
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane, Here I am, rock you like a hurricane.
Sweet rock gods, thank you for the Scorpions.
Alas, I am at the mercy of these wunderkind. Lately, I?ve been reveling in my child hood. Ive been listening to the Scorps, reading comics, and thinking an awful lot about the coolest Proper Vegetable around- my first hero, my buddy, my real imaginary friend- Super pickle, my doll.
His 7-inch body is a light and darked green pickle and filled with cushy soft stuff. His arms and legs arms are cloth cords with stripes of red, white, blue and yellow. He has big white glove hands like Mickey Mouse and his alter ego?s name is Dilbert. Dilbert is a mild mannered pickle and Super Pickle is the caped man god or rather god vegetable.
As a 5 year old, I carried SP everywhere and even though I felt like a dilbert most of the time, having SP around gave me hope that if shit came down, I might be able to brandish awesome vegetable-like courage. I didn?t have a lot of dolls, I think just SP, but I was glad to have him because you couldn?t snuggle up and hug a GI JOE or Boba Fett when you were falling asleep.
I know there is no such thing as the ?good old days? but there is a time in my life called the ?easy days:? No bills, no credit cards, no student loans, telemarketers, rent?etc. The ?easy days? was a time when you simply had to be and that was usually enough.
Hording relics from this time, no matter how ludicrous to any one else, helps me understand and embrace the strangeness of being 28 years old. That?s why I love the scorpions, I love comics, and I fucking love Super Pickle.
Here is my favorite picture of the one, the only SP.
